Surviving a Fantasy Game...
- Qiu Shi
- Apr 10, 2019
- 12 min read
=> Enter Player 1
You wake up in a cavern. The entrance glows from the light of a flower.
>I decide to gather my bearings. Feeling rather light on my feet I silently creep towards the glowing flower.
You see a forest of trees, dotted with the flowers near the entrance of your cavern. Glowing baubles float and flitter throughout the branches of the trees as a cold wind nips your nose.
>Feeling rather cautious, I slowly wander closer to this singular pink bauble. A shaky hand is reached towards it. It felt warm, weird and foreign.
You draw your hand back in surprise, before curiously reaching out again, moving forward when you feel a ledge at you feet. You peer down the wooden expanse. It’s a long way down from what you realise must be a hole in a gigantic tree (first of all what? How do I draw that?). The bauble jingles teasingly, just out of reach.
>It irritates me as the moving light taunts my short limbs. I pick up a stick and prod at the bauble. All I succeed to do is to make it wander further away. I decide to reach out my hand and stretch my body forward.
Your toes tremble on the ledge from exertion, your hand getting close to the bauble yet again. Do you continue to reach out?
>’I have come so far...just a little bit won’t hurt’. My feet shuffle half an inch closer, as if challenging the ledge and the forces of gravity, taunting it to do its worst. It turns out nature has won this time.
Roll for survival chances. (?/6)
>Dice rolled. [1]
Congratulations on dying in the prologue, with your extraordinarily shitty luck. You are now a Zombie (Wizard).
=> Enter Player 2
The hinges screech behind you as it slams shut. You are now stuck in an enclosed room with three windows. Select a window.
>Window 3
Beyond window 3 are bars of sunlight cast through holes in the walls make motes of dust glitter where they hang in the air. Scorch-marks mar the walls, floors and ceilings. Broad black smears cross the blistered paints.
>Window 2
Beyond window 2 is darkness. Pure darkness.
>Window 1
Beyond window 1 lies countless seemingly endless stretch of rails which covers the landscape.
>Look up at the sky. With X-Ray Vision.
Would you like to roll for X-Ray vision? (Odd number for X-Ray Vision)
>Yes. Dice rolled. [6]
Pity...an even number rolled. You will feel slight irritation along with subtle sight impairments until the next roll.
=> Enter [Dead] Player 1
Your zombie body is a gory splatter on the ground. Fortunately, you are still able to move the disgusting mass that is your current form. Baubles bob around your skull/head fusion. They are close enough to touch and see clearly.
>I want to break all the baubles.
Do you wish to inspect these baubles?
>Yes, if “inspection” is the synonym of utter destruction.
Roll for mobility and control of smashed fleshbag body. [?/6]
>Dice rolled. [4]
You wave your still-intact hands in the air like a Cthulhu baby from Lovecraftian stories. You manage to smash a few baubles, breaking the holy barrier of several spirits. The other baubles deftly move out of the way of your flailing limbs.
=> Enter [Slightly blind] Player 2
Pick a window.
>Darkness. Pure darkness.
The window is locked. Pick a window.
>Break the window with laser eyes + heat seeking missiles formed from the lasers.
Roll your (20 sided) dice for a factor of 3.
>Dice rolled. [1]
Congratulations you have managed to “shoot lasers + heat seeking missiles from your eyes” when you could have merely asked me to open it. The windows are terribly displeased with your actions, they feel undignified. The windows quickly reformed. Please choose another window.
=> Enter [Still Dead] Player 1
The newly unguarded spirits turn red and start vibrating vigorously. You then realise you are vibrating vigorously, not the spirits. Your traitorous trashbag of a body decides that your bones need a breath of fresh air.
>I demand to roll a die to become the ultimate wizard.
Roll a die for prime numbers above 10 and below 15 using the 20-sided die for your ascension to Ultimate Wizard.
>Dice rolled. [18]
Your ribs decide to make a break for freedom as you uselessly roll a 20-sided die.
=> Enter [Not blind anymore] Player 2
Please choose another window.
>Window 1.
The window clearly does not want to be chosen, hence it disappears. Please choose a window.
>Window 2.
You have chosen window 2. It simultaneously combusts leaving you with window 3. You now have 2 options. Exit through window 3 or stay in the room.
>Roll to make a bid for freedom using transdimensional teleportation into the world of window 2 by playing a keytar made by using laser eyes to evoke Hermes.
Roll a 20-sided die to evoke keytar. [?/20]
>Dice rolled. [5]
You manage to put on a nice laser light show. Congratulations you leveled up. You are now level 0.3
=> Enter [IncreasinglyDying] Player 1
Your body tries make a separation from the bones that are still inside it. Your body is breaking apart from the violent shaking caused by the probably angry spirits. Your body thinks that your soul is a reasonable sacrifice to maybe get immunity from your poor decisions and to finally rest in peace, six feet under.
>I pray for mercy from the baubles.
Roll for successful prayers. [?/20]
>Roll for resurrection.
You can’t resurrect because your soul is still tied to your puke-worthy meat prison.
>Roll for my body to turn into one of a hot, living lady.
Roll for your body to turn into one of a hot, living lady. [?/20]
>Dice rolled. [16]
Your body is promptly turned into a hot, living lady. Unfortunately, since your body is alive, and thus is currently possessed by a new soul, you share the body with the new soul.
=> Enter [Lv. 0.3] Player 2
You are forcefully made to exit window 3 by an unknown force. You now have 2 options. Proceed with following the train tracks or stay where you are as an act of defiance.
> I shoot lasers at the tracks and form retractable laser wheelies that can brake to skate down the train tracks.
Roll to successfully form wheelies. [?/6]
>Dice rolled. [4]
You have formed a pair retractable laser wheelies. However only one of the two fit your feet.
=> Enter [Now Hot] Player 1
Your body is now a hot, living lady. Hot, living ladies have Things to do, and those things ain’t spirits. Your new soul companion walks off, offended by the carelessness of the previous occupant of the body (you). However, the spirits are still red and shaking your body vigorously. Your body stumbles as it tries to walk away.
>Roll for forgiveness from the spirits.
Roll for forgiveness from the spirits for success of 6 and above, using an 18-sided die.
>Dice rolled. [13]
They forgive you. However, they believe in ‘an eye for an eye’, thus they will only skin and unskin you once, before they send you off to the nearest graveyard, whole. The shaking stops, while the spirits gather around you ominously. Your soulmate thinks uncharitable thoughts about you.
=> Enter [Wheelied] Player 2
One of the wheelies are too small. What shall you do?
>Does it fit my hand?
It does not fit your hand but its the perfect size for your thumb.
>I put the smaller wheelie on my pinky and wear the other one. Then I skate upwards, mimicking a flamingo and showing off my perfect balance.
Roll for perfect balance.[?/6]
>Dice rolled.[5]
You succeed in balancing on the tracks with little trouble. The tracks that seemed to stretch into the horizon end abruptly. You have reach a tiny village.
=> Enter [ The 'God' clearly wants you to suffer] Player 1
After that incredibly unpleasant session of being skinned and unskinned, your soulmate is, understandably, off her fucking rockers. And pissed. Very, very pissed. You are then transported from the Forest of Gigantic Trees to a graveyard. The graveyard is connected to a church close by.
>Try to appease my “soulmate”
Your soulmate metaphorically spits at your face and tries to claw at your incorporeal body, but only manages to gain new wounds scratching at her beautiful, ethereal, newly unskinned face. Take another course of action?
>”Are you trying to skin yourself again?” I murmur to myself. I scan my eyes over my beautiful, ethereal body and like what I have seen. I decided to search myself for some weapons.
Your body moves to touch your pockets for weapons. All you have is a necklace burnt into your flesh, currently in the shape of a cross. Your body shudders from your soulmate’s disgust, body and soul stiffening in an attempt to eject you out of your body.
>I try to resist the ejection and push my soulmate out instead.
Roll to eject soulmate for at 5 and above from a 10-sided die.
>Dice rolled.[4]
You fail to eject your soulmate. Instead, you are slightly displaced from your body. You are now unable to feel your body at all. However, you are able to move away from the body at a limited radius while still being attached to your body.
=> Enter [ Clearly life have been treating you well] Player 2
You reached a tiny village. A tiny, dense village. The place is scattered with countless palm-sized houses. What are you going to do?
>I skate my pinky in slowly and whisper for an explanation as to where I currently am from the inhabitants of the houses.
The inhabitants feel threatened by your foreign language and your enormous size. They have taken a rather aggressive approach. Tiny nuclear bombs are being launched at you.
>I start to shoosh and pap them gently by removing the skate and doing a token effort to smash every living tiny inhabitants and shoot lasers at all the progress their civilisation has made.
The tiny inhabitants are unfazed at your attempts. They are a very sophisticated society that has transcend the laws of physics, mere “smashing” does nothing to them. The heat from your lasers has does as much harm as a candle in the middle of the sea. Do not. DO NOT. Under any circumstance underestimate the wrath of tiny beings.
>I make a laser flute and make like the Pied Piper to another hill, instantly gaining hostages and their reluctant trust.
Roll to make laser flute. [?/20]
>Dice rolled. [6]
The flute you made was very very small. It falls through the gaps of your fingers and into the hands of the tiny inhabitants. They look at the flute.
=> Enter [Whats the point of being so hot] Player 1
Your soulmate puts on a disgruntled face as she walks past the graves, towards the church. A small, sparsely populated neighborhood comes into view.
>Roll for absolute control over the hot body.
Roll for absolute control over the body for 4 & above using a 12-sided die.
>Dice rolled. [6]
Your soulmate becomes unable to make any executive decisions regarding your body as she is pushed out in place of your occupation. Your skin feels tingly, probably because of the unskinning. Your soulmate groans as your positions are now reversed.
=> Enter [Flute fell] Player 2
They look at the flute.
>Roll for improvement in body language, a universal language.
Roll for improvement in body language, a universal language for 7 and above using a 12-sided die.
>Dice rolled. [3]
You manage to learn the body language for “Fuck you”. Simply lift your middle finger to activate newly learnt body language.
=> Enter [Finally something goes right] Player 1
You are now in your body, as you should rightfully be. Your soulmate is only slightly tethered to your body(hot, lady, alive) and is currently unable to impact anything but you in any meaningful way. Case in point: she’s sinking her soul-nails into your body to prevent herself from drifting off to death.
>I try to converse with my soulmate. “Hey .”
She growls at you. “What?”
>”Uh...what’s it like being hot and all…” This is not going well, I had no idea why I even decide to speak to her.
Stop wasting space if you don’t know what you want to say.
“I don’t know,” she glares, hoping to bear holes into your soul, “since I got kicked out of my body before I could live.”
She tries to intimidate you by digging into your soul-shoulders with her soul-nails. Your body relaxes at the phantasmal massage. Your soul-shoulders tickle.
>Enter the church.
It is a beautiful church. Not like you have a comparison, with you previously being an abomination of the undead. It has stained glass windows, polished black and white ebony pews. The platform boasts a thick, musty tome of religious text. It has two stories. It is so fancy.
>Take no time to admire the church’s beauty as in comparison to my hot, living body it is pathetic. Instead, I take interest in the tome of religious text.
You open the text. The table of contents show:
Origin
Dedications.
Tenets I
Tenets II
Tenets III
Tenets IIII
Tenets IIIII
Tenets IIIIII
Conclusion
Epilogue
The last page is a doodle of an old priest with a mustache and cartoonish poop attracting real flies.
A young man calls out to you. He asks if he can help you. His face is red.
>This young man, I decide, is pretty cute. Thus I nodded my head and say “Are there any other living beings around?”
He stumbles at the disconnect between your rather plain voice and your beautiful, gorgeous bodaaaay. Then he nods his head vigorously, twitching and running out of the church. He runs back carrying a small dog. He wants to please you.
>”Uhh…” This kid clearly has issues so I decide to abscond through a portal I cast.
Roll for safety passing through the portal. [?/19]
>Dice rolled. [15]
You arrive on sandy plains with holes of pitch-black soil. It is scorching hot, and you’ve been shaved bald through the portal.
=> Enter [I might have been too nice to you] Player 2
Do you want to use your new skill?
>I make a quick escape, rolling away from the city, out from the mountains and make a leap for normal-sized heaven.
Roll for successful leap for a factor of 2 on a 6-sided die.
>Dice rolled. [1]
You manage to leap into a normal-sized heaven. Normal-sized as in, in the perspective of the gods and angels living in the heaven. It is perfectly *normal* for a higher being to be 60 times your size. Hence, now you find yourself under the mercy of these glowing beings.
=> Enter [I am still how] Player 1
You are bald. You are beautiful. You are also, you realise, in Hell.
>Roll for ascension to angelic being.
Roll for ascension to Angelic being for multiples of 6 using a 100-sided die.
>Dice rolled. [92]
Your soulmate has turned into your Guardian Angel. She hates you.
The glowing beings look down on you measly self and scoff. They are uninterested in your appearance, they will deal with you later. They busy themselves with the newly ascended Guardian Angel.
=> Enter [Good life] Player 2
>Look for an information counter.
The information counter is thousands miles away, the higher beings possess the ability to fly unlike you. It will take you months to walk there with your legs.
>I laser-skate my way to the empty counter and ask the Angel at the counter for directions to the public transdimensional gate.
Because the narrator is feeling very benevolent, there is no need to roll for such feat. You manage to reach the counter in 666 seconds. The angel at the counter is very professional, he does his job properly and his job happens to be directing/ clarifying anyone why ask him, even if the one asking is a lowly human. You are immediately directed to lift by the counter. “Storey 6” he says.
>I go to storey 6. Nothing can go wrong in Heaven.
Nothing can go wrong in Heaven indeed. You manage to safely arrive at your destination swiftly. The portal is right in front of you.
>I jump through the portal.
You manage to jump through the portal. You land beside this hot, bald lady that is about to be attacked by the Angel the gods were fussing about.
>I think she’s gorgeous. I ask to partner with the Guardian Angel.
The Angel is fed up with people and has decided to annihilate both of you.
>Roll to use lasers to vaporise the Angel.
Roll for successful vaporisation for multiples of 13 on a 100-sided die.
>Dice rolled. [39]
You manage to vaporise the Angel.
=> Enter [Finally! something goes right] Player 1
You have been rid of your Guardian Angel by an androgynous person with laser eyes. It certainly grabbed your attention, since it was a bright and blinding beam of light. The person waves at you in greeting.
>Yeah...not happening. This person switch sides faster than I can say my name. I side eye this “person” cautiously, and shift a little further from this “person” that just managed to kill an immortal being.
They smile at you, before skating off to satan-knows-where. You are blissfully alone in the landscape.
>Ask the narrator where I am.
I told you, you’re in Hell.
>Hm. Roll for impressively beautiful wings.
Roll for impressively beautiful wings for multiples of 22 in a 100-sided die.
>Dice rolled.[44]
You grow wings on your back. You grow muscles to support these wings. You also grow another pair of pectorals to support these wings as well. Your wings sprout feathers and your entire torso itches from the growth.
=> Enter [What bias] Player 2
You just skated to satan-knows-where town. Satan-knows-where you are, but you don’t. Why are you so foolish? Haven’t you learn from your previous encounters...Anyway you are now in satan-knows-where what are you going to do.
>I shout to the Heavens to tell on Satan being a stalker.
The heavens are too busy to deal with you at the moment, one of their Angels just got vapourised and they are trying to determine the culprit.
>I ask Satan to stop knowing where I am and skate off into the lava portals.
Satan will not cease to know where you are. It stalks you as you skate into the lava portals, essentially converting the place into another one of satan-knows-where town. It will stalk you and expand its empire, as it hopes to achieve more land than “god-knows-where vale”. These lava portals transport you to satan-knows-where.
>I demand to be paid to conquer these lands in universally-accepted, valuable currency.
So it shall be. Satan paid you in a universally-accepted, valuable currency. He paid you with exposure, now everyone in hell knows your name. They will look at you from the sides, with envy. It was the ultimate payment, valuable indeed.
>Happily, I jump into the portals.
You have again arrived at satan-knows-where.
>I try to improve the universally-understood language of the body.
Roll for improvement for a multiple of 8 on a 30-sided die.
>Dice rolled.[16]
You have manage to improve this skill. You have just learnt the word love. Simply lift your hands to form a heart symbol. If you pull these connected hands apart you can level your skill up further.
=> Enter [What the hell?] Player 1
You have wings and four boobs. You are also bald and in Hell.
>Okay what the actual...why do I have 4 boobs.
I got the wrong tutorial on winged people anatomy. I’m not gonna undo it anytime soon. Move on.
>Roll for death of satan so that I can take over his role and rule hell.
Roll for Satan’s death and your ascension to leadership to get factors of 66 using a 100-sided die.
>Dice rolled. [98]
Satan kills you. You’re (not-so-) permanently erased from this verse.
=> Enter [Goodbye] Player 1
Would you like to pull your connected heart hands apart?
>Yes.
In case it wasn't obvious, there was 2 writers...Me and not Me.
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